Now you could have kept up with the course work and handed your assignments in on time, or studied for tests and reviewed your notes daily, but hey, it’s way too late for any of that Mary Poppins poop, so let’s have at it.
How to Fail an Exam
- Pull an all-nighter; not studying but drinking. Wander in reeking of beer and cigarette smoke. Do everyone a favour and sit in the back of the room so your beer farts won’t disturb those that may have a chance of passing
- Realize your exam paper is the perfect size for an Origami giraffe
- Read Lady Gaga tweets for answer inspiration
- That exam was today?
- Cram the night before and attempt to retain an entire 600 page textbook of economics for the 3 hour brain dump later
- Spend 95% of the exam time answering the first question that’s worth 5%
- Your pre-exam meal is Red Bull and Cheetos (har!)
- Bring the one pen out of your drawer of hundreds that’s out of ink. Dint your answers in the exam paper hoping the teacher can read impromptu Braille
- Use your dyslexic room-mates’ notes as your only study aid
- Read only the first 3 words of a long question and fill in the rest with blah, blah, blah
- Write answers all over your body and explain that yoga helps you ease the tension
- Gamble it all on that Jedi, force-be-with-you crap working this time
- Zone out to the theme music of Jeopardy you have set to “repeat” on your mp3 player
- Mindlessly set your alarm for 7pm instead of 7am and awake up refreshed to the noonday sun – three hours after the exam started
- Twiddle your thumbs for 40 minutes or so then strip to your underwear and do the wiggle out the door to LMFAO’s Sexy and I Know It
There you go. Fail your exam and make it an epic fail.